Problem diagnosed: apparently it was either something wrong with the "voltage regulator" inside the battery itself or something leading to the voltage regulator, which I'm told has to do with high-power charging sources (superchargers?).
Cause: unclear.
Time to fix: 3 - 5 weeks! They have to ship the battery itself up to their headquarters. In the interim, they loaded my car with a "loaner battery" - very interesting, has anyone had this before?
Many people have received loaner batteries. You will get yours back.