Turns out I was right. If your car is locked and charging on a J1772, if you push and release the unlock button on the handle (leaving it connected), the charge port will light up, showing either flashing green if it's still charging or solid green if it's done.
So a sign saying "If you need to charge, push and release the button - if the charge port is solid green (not pulsating), you can unplug me" would work. The J1772 adaptor seems to stay locked to the car as long as the car is locked.
Have you actually seen flashing green when you do this? More likely you are disconnecting the pilot signal in preparation for removal. When you release the button the pilot signal comes back and the car starts charging again. I suppose if the car is done it won't start flashing again. But I still don't like this idea. If someone is using visible tesla or the like you just sent an alarm to the owner.